I haven't ran since the Half Marathon. I want to run. I need to run. I feel like I am wound tighter than a cat suspended over a raging river. I feel like I am ready to blow at clients, coworkers, pets and family.
I didn't realize just how much running helped me in combating day to day stress.
It isn't just the ability to eat more.
It isn't the escapism.
It is the doing for myself. It is being selfish in a world with a million eyes and hands reaching out for me to fix their lives, their cases, their dinner or their errands. It is filling the tank so there is more of me to give.
And I have run dry.
That pain I felt August 23rd? That made me cry and hobble home? That same pain I felt on occasion after and that tore me up from mile 5 on in the Half Marathon? That pain led me to the REAL sports doctor. I drove far away to see him. He then had me get an MRI.
First, let me tell you MRI's for a knee are NOT an ideal way of spending your early evening. It was 45 minutes long and for someone who likes to spread out, that confined space had me stressed. My mission was to breath deep. Relax. Get lost in the music in the headphones. The music helped. It still wasn't pleasant.
My doctor called me yesterday to say he didn't have the images yet, but he did get the report. He sounded sad. I had never heard him sound sad. That scared me.
He said that his suspicions were confirmed. I had a small tear on my lateral meniscus. He said that would explain the hammer-to-the-knee pain when stepping down, or making left to right motions with my knee. It might be best if I opt for the surgery.
He said there was a few other surprises, too. By then, I was crying. I was at work and at my desk. I was trying hard not to sob uncontrollably and it took a lot of effort not to. I regret I didn't catch, understand or hear all he said. There was something about 'fissuring' and 'small tears' in a cartilage behind the knee cap. Something about my IT band. Something 'dysfunction' and something scary sounding. And a lot of medical sounding words.
Doctor said he would be getting the images soon and will call me when he does to confirm our plan of action. He suggested I might want to find a surgeon.
I came home and cried to my husband. Then I called my physical therapist, Bryce as he had asked me to tell him as soon as I heard anything. I felt like an idiot saying I didn't catch or understand much other than TEAR and FISSURING. I asked if HE could ask the doctor the next time they spoke so we would know what PT steps to take. He was very kind and didn't mock me for not understanding it all. He reassured me we will get through this. I will run again. Then he said, "You're still young!" hahaha
I do know the doctor was going to have a Brace representative call me to go over knee braces. Supposedly these aren't the ones you find at the market. They are very very expensive but my insurance should cover it.
My weight is already increasing and it is SO INCREDIBLY HARD to stop eating the amount of food I had been the last year. It is awful. I failed again today in staying under 1600 calories. It sucks,
I walked two miles and rode the recumbent bike for 3.5 miles. A total of 500 calories. that is NOTHING. And no cardio.
I am depressed.